People stressed about their finances are often cautious about talking about money with their romantic partners, even though it can be beneficial for their relationship, according to a new study.
According to a report by researchers at Cornell University and Yale University, published this month in The Journal of Consumer Psychology, people worried about bills, burdened by overspending, or worried about money management can expect a “ talk about money” leads to an argument, so they avoid bringing it up. However, previous research has shown that talking about money helps couples spend more responsibly and manage their debt better.
“They anticipate conflict, so they choose not to have these conversations at all,” said Emily Garbinsky, an associate professor of marketing and management communication at Cornell’s business school and one of the study’s authors.
Why do some people find it so difficult to talk about money with their partners?
Aja Evans, a financial therapist in New York, said people can feel embarrassed about having money problems. They may worry that talking about these things with their partner will damage their relationship. (Financial therapists aim to help clients understand how their emotions and beliefs about money can affect their financial behavior.)
“It’s a defense mechanism,” he said. “But with financial problems, the more you avoid them, the worse it gets.”
Megan R. Ford, a professor and financial therapist at the University of Georgia, said people from families struggling financially or who discouraged talking about money may lack good role models for how to have productive conversations about finances.
“Each of us brings our own baggage of money to a relationship,” he said. “Sometimes it’s a bag. “Sometimes there are three large suitcases.”
But the more people avoid financial conversations, Dr. Ford added in an email, the more opportunities they miss to better understand themselves and their partners.
Brad Klontz, a psychologist and financial planner, said that at some point couples typically had “the conversation” about future plans, including the possibility of having children. “But I don’t think people have that conversation about money,” he said. He likes to prompt clients to reflect on questions that can help them identify the source of their attitudes, such as: “What are my top three financial goals?” and “What are my most painful and joyful memories about money?”
When it comes to managing money, opposites often attract, said Scott Rick, associate professor of marketing at the University of Michigan business school and author of “Tactics and Spenders: Navigating the Money Minefield in Businesses.” real relationships.”
Someone who normally operates on a strict budget may initially fall in love with a partner who has fewer financial restrictions. “It can be charming at first,” Dr. Rick said, “especially to a tightwad who is captivated by a carefree spender.”
But over the long term, what is initially fascinating can become irritating, especially if the couple has children and must budget for their needs as well as their own. But generally, each partner can balance the other’s more extreme tendencies. Dr. Rick said that while he was more willing to splurge, his wife was more cautious about spending.
“I’m married to a cheapskate,” he said, and it works out just fine, he said, because he and his wife have a give-and-take. “I let her win on material things and she lets me win on experiences or vacations,” he said. “You don’t want one person winning all the time. You need those different perspectives.”
The report by Dr. Garbinsky and her colleagues concluded that the money conversation is not a hopeless situation. Encouraging people to view financial conflicts as “resolvable” rather than “perpetual” (i.e., based on fundamental differences in their approaches to managing money) makes them more likely to talk to their partner about finances, the researchers found.
When people see that “financial problems have solutions and that a compromise is possible,” says Dr. Garbinsky, “they are more willing to talk to their partner.”
Here are some questions and answers about relationships and money:
Is it better for couples to have joint or separate bank accounts?
Research suggests that raising funds increases relationship satisfaction, Dr. Garbinsky said. If you share an account, it forces conversations about money. “It helps couples stay on the same page,” he said.
Dr Rick said a joint account helped the couple think that all their money belonged to them as a unit, rather than as individuals. Large expenses, such as rent, mortgage or car payments, and basic expenses, such as utilities, should be paid from the joint account. “Launder all the money through a joint account,” he said. “It’s all ‘our’ money, for high-level decisions.”
But Dr. Rick also suggests that each partner can be allocated an amount, held in a separate account, to cover personal expenses and any bills for which they are individually responsible. The amounts do not have to be equal, he said. If one parent is responsible for paying for the child’s child care, music lessons, or sports fees, that parent would receive a larger allowance.
That way, each member of the couple can spend day to day without feeling like their spouse is scrutinizing every purchase. “We need our individual interests and activities,” she said.
What is a good way for couples to start talking about money?
If talking about money scares you, start by practicing with “low-risk” decisions, said Debra Kaplan, a licensed therapist and author of “Coupleship Inc.: From Financial Conflict to Financial Intimacy.” Instead of debating, for example, when or where you want to retire, start with something like how much you’re going to spend on your next vacation.
“Imagine you’re on a team solving a problem,” he said. “You’re working toward a result for the greater good of the team, not ‘what I’ll lose if I don’t get my way.'”
Dr. Ford suggests that instead of sitting across from each other at a table, take a walk outside together when you’re talking about money. The fresh air will help clear your mind. You can walk side by side so you’re not looking directly at each other, which can be less intimidating.
How often should couples talk about money?
Evans recommends setting aside time regularly (ideally monthly) to talk about your finances. “I love the concept of a ‘money date,’” she said. Topics can include a review of recent spending or progress toward financial goals. You can do this at home or at a restaurant, if you feel comfortable doing so.
