Extra-long sheets. Shower flip-flops. Wall hooks and putty that hold things but don’t leave marks.
Most colleges provide a list of things new students can bring if they live on campus, and most big box stores have all of that and more.
But there’s another list you might want to consider, one that contains things that aren’t at the end of any Target aisle or on anyone’s Amazon wish list.
It includes the form that allows you to help with an adult child’s medical care, and one of your own creation that gives you carte blanche to call him if the child ends up in handcuffs. And how about a little help with a midnight pizza?
Every list like this has a caveat: some of these things may be nice, but doing most of them is too much.
“When the attachment to home is too strong, students don’t form attachments in the new place,” said Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of “How to Raise an Adult.” “It can inadvertently send the message of, ‘I don’t think you’ll be able to make it there without me doing this for you,’ and we never want to send that message.”
The list below should give you some good ideas. None of them cost more than $50 and many are free, which is helpful considering the staggering size of tuition bills.
Let us know if you have any other suggestions. We’ll use reader feedback to create another list next summer (or this month if we get enough new suggestions quickly).
Forms and passes
Power of Attorney for Health Care
Shari George Polur, an elder care and disability attorney in Louisville, Kentucky, gave two of her daughter’s friends a novel high school graduation gift she hoped they would never have to use: a health care power of attorney.
At age 18, individuals gain the right to make their own medical decisions, as well as the privacy protections afforded by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. A health care power of attorney empowers parents or guardians to make medical decisions and may also allow them to access medical records if their child is incapacitated.
“You can authorize as much or as little as you want,” Polur said. She also suggests getting a durable power of attorney for legal and financial matters, which would allow parents to handle those matters as well if needed.
Consent for students under 18 years of age
While privacy laws may prevent a parent from learning much about their child’s illness in college, students who arrive there before turning 18 may not be able to get some types of care at all without explicit parental permission.
The University of Central Florida, for example, requires a consent form when such students seek counseling. Karen R. Hofmann, director of the school’s counseling and psychological services, suggests talking about it, not just signing it. If a teen has never seen a therapist before, parental encouragement can reduce any reluctance or embarrassment about doing so.
AT&T Card (and one that lets you get out of jail free)
If you went to college in the era of pay phones, you probably remember the cards you could use to pay for calls. Buy one on eBay as a sort of visual gag, or just print out a photo of one and stick it in a cheap frame. Then hand it to them with instructions to call you first when big challenges arise, no matter what they are.
For example, arrests happen, false IDs are presented, public order is disrupted, protests occur, and property is invaded. But if your child is more afraid of you than of the authorities, that call may never come.
Try a script like this: “You’re smart enough to stay out of trouble, but if you slip up or get into something unfortunate, let me be your first choice so I can help you sort it out.” That solution could include, by the way, fronting some bail money or funds for fines. In fact, the business card can also be a get-out-of-jail-free card.
If your daughter might become pregnant or get someone else pregnant, remember that not all health care options are available in all states or areas. Do you want to be the first person called to tell you about this, too? Say so. The second call in that case might be to the school, which may have emergency funds available to cover travel expenses.
Money and health
Authorized user card (also emergency)
Parents may remember how easy it was for a college student to get a credit card back then.
Those days no longer exist, due to changes in federal law. Now, you generally have to be 21 to file on your own.
Consider instead an authorized user card, which bears the child’s name, but charges accumulate on a single account: yours.
Are you scared? The card can serve as a spending vehicle that can only be used in case of emergency. Regardless of how you use it, the card also helps your child establish a credit history and a decent credit score. However, this is only if you continue to pay your bills on time and maintain other good habits, as your good behavior is what will be passed on to the authorized user.
Medical history and shared documents
There will come a time when a call or text comes in from someone who is sick or injured, and the timing may be inopportune for you.
“They’ll be sitting there, it’ll be 1 a.m., and they’ll need stitches,” said Lisa Heffernan, co-founder of Grown & Flown, a community and website for parents of young adults.
You may not answer and one question may remain: When was your last tetanus shot?
One solution could be a digital document folder, where vaccination and prescription records and any pediatric medical history that might be useful can be kept. Photos of the driver’s license, health insurance cards, the main page of the passport, and anything else that might be useful or get lost can be added.
Everything else
Traces of yourself
Eleven years ago, Chanel Reynolds told Ron about the painful lessons she had learned about financial preparedness after her husband’s untimely death. One of her recommendations was to leave traces of herself; you can spend years preserving a child’s artwork without ever creating an artifact of your own life that the child can later treasure.
When her son left for college several years ago, Ms. Reynolds sneaked some handwritten cards into various things the two of them had packed, knowing he would find them days or weeks later. He did so and texted her when he found them.
Then she got a call that touched her heart. “He mentioned on the phone that he had reread one of my cards,” she said. “I asked him what it was and he said it was the one where I told him I was proud of him and that I trusted him and that I was completely confident that he would be able to work things out, even when it was difficult.”
The nice thing about leaving multiple notes is that it gives you multiple opportunities to produce something worth rereading. Do you have a favorite family Bible verse or other sacred piece? Use it here. A legendary maxim from a grandparent? Stash it in a sock.
Playlists
Get one last hug. Walk away from the airport, bus station, or dorm without looking over your shoulder or bursting into tears. Then, send your new college student a playlist full of meaningful songs to listen to.
Maybe there are songs you sang together when your child was in kindergarten. Maybe you were lucky enough to play music together. For parents who took their kids to their first concert or their first 10, there are surely highlights from those song lists worth including. When you feel that, you’ll know it’s true that you are lucky and blessed.
This can be a touchy subject for people whose children find their musical taste embarrassing. Include those songs anyway and then mix in meaningful tunes that they introduced to youperhaps without them knowing (until they receive the playlist) how much you love their songs.
The first pizza
Food is a love for many families, but it’s not easy to get when you’re far away. Food is also a community, and it can help you build a new one if you share it with the right strangers.
This is why the founders of Grown & Flown recommend accompanying children to their first pizzas late at night, with the only condition that they use them to attract some new people to their circles.
An insider tip: Many college dorms and common rooms have doors that close automatically. Grown & Flown’s co-founder, Mary Dell Harrington, suggests adding a rubber door stop to let the pepperoni scent waft down the hallway and attract other hungry people.
Safe words
Many parents give a lot of unsolicited advice to their teenagers. Your child may be tired of it. Maybe you know it’s a problem, but you can’t help it.
“That advice may not help someone develop skills to solve the problems they see and face,” said Frances Cloud, director of Spelman College’s counseling center.
If this is the case for you, Ms. Cloud suggests acknowledging this with your child and providing a safe word that children can say whenever they want to talk to you but can’t handle any judgment, comments or instructions.
Cloud doesn’t have a specific word to use. “The word isn’t as important as what happens after you say it,” he said.
A gift for you too
Lythcott-Haims, or “Dean Julie” to the thousands of Stanford students who benefited from her work between 1998 and 2012, is a little wary of all this list-making and how a child might react if he or she overdoes it. “Get a therapist, get a hobby,” she said. “Don’t bring sadness to a child who is trying to start a new stage of life.”
I heard. But still.
Yes, you want to take phone calls — for any reason or no reason at all — and the availability of the safe word can make kids more comfortable making them. So, after all the consideration, packaging, and tuition (and, yes, Target), it’s OK to gently ask to hear their voices on a regular basis.
After all, you may also be giving the gift of keeping the child on the family phone plan.
